Neil Lambert's blog post

look, we need to talk


I view facebook as the last safe haven of my social networks. Having turned my twitter account into a cesspool, discovered that my myspace account was picked apart by a 15-year-old girl and all my pictures (and friends’ pictures) used in some sort of bizarre internet shrine, I have vowed to keep my facebook account sterile. I regularly delete friends that I don’t immediately recognize, or if I can’t remember why we’re friends in the first place.

That said, I get a pretty steady stream of friend requests. This is not to brag, but to simply inform you of my situation. Usually there are about 5-10 requests per day. Cool, I guess, but not really. I’m not a celebrity and though I make no secret of my identity, I don’t think I should really bear the burden of fame. Perhaps you’re thinking that we could be actual friends if I got to know you or something through the internet which I guess is possible, but I will not be going down that road. At least not on Facebook.

Typically when someone looks me up on FB, there are telltale signs. Do we have mutual friends? No. Is your profile picture actually a picture of my brother? Yes. Is it a picture of him as a child? fucking creepy. Is it actually a picture of you but your hair is jet black and you have the exact same haircut as my brother? Wow. And you’re a woman? ok, that one’s fair since it’s basically Sharon Osbourne’s cut dyed black.

Here’s the kicker though: the fan pages. When you click on someone’s profile you can see what fan pages they’re members of. And that’s where the crazy can’t hide. Yes, I’m talking to you, girl-with-48-separate-taylor-lautner-fan-pages. In fact, most of you are Twilight fans to some degree and you should know that the only legitimate way to like Twilight is ironically. And liking it ironically does not include obsessively joining every single facebook group dedicated to its cast.

My thought process, therefore, goes like this: hmmm, a random girl from the internet wants to be my friend. 95% chance of being Lambert fan and 5% chance of being a porn account. Let’s check the profile, shall we? Ahh! I see 3 Taylor Lautners, a Twilight, and an Adam Lambert. Ignore.

I know that this address comes off as very pompous. If that will assist you in deciding not to be my friend on FB, then let it be known that I am very pompous. Anything I can do to save myself from the soul-crushing task of coming face-to-face with the reality that the same people who tell me they enjoy my writing are the same people who like Twilight, then I’m all for it. I’m beginning to suspect that my not wanting to write negativeneil anymore is partly based on this common thread.

That said, get up on Twitter. That shit is hilarious and I will happily make fun of you all day.

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